Moments of Clarity
Caution, raw moments ahead...
I have this ever-growing list of things I am SO sure that I am going to do before I die...
- home-school my kids through high-school
- become an award-winning photographer
- own a wedding venue
- write a children's book (or 10)
- write a faith-based book on marriage and sexuality
- travel to Europe (anywhere will do)
- travel to New Zealand
- photograph a couple in love in every state
- become enviously toned and fit
- start a mentorship program for aspiring photographers (paha like myself right now) - make a difference in my local community through charity Just to name a few ^
Sometimes, in my lowest of moments, as I'm sweeping the crumbs off the dining room floor for the umpteenth time that day, I mentally blame my innocent children or my sweet husband for being THE THING that is keeping me from accomplishing all of these goals.
That way I can at least convince myself that I am some sort of martyr for sacrificing all these things (that don't even exist yet) for the "greater good" of raising a christian family.
I'll pout around the house and nobody knows why I'm grumpy or upset; it's not the laundry, it's not the cooking, and it's not the dirty dishes.
It's that I'm AFRAID. I'm afraid I won't have what it takes to do ALL of these things; Or any of these things. I'm afraid I'm not disciplined enough to divide my time wisely throughout the day. I'm afraid I'm not organized enough to keep making simple and attainable steps toward my goals. I'm afraid I'll give up half way to the prize. I'm afraid. And it's far less painful to blame my children for my "failure" than it is to admit that I'm simply scared to even try. Sometimes, I have moments of clarity... Sometimes I'm photographing my sweet little Tater Tot in her new sunflower romper and her smile reminds me of everything true. Failure is a success story in and of itself ...it means you did SOMETHING. You'll learn from it. Adapt after it. And eventually succeed because of it. So be careful to give yourself that kind of credit before you've actually earned it. It's a dangerous place to be. It's a place where you blame others for your laziness. A place where you are always depressed and grumpy. It's a desolate place where nothing grows. And I am praying that I never vacation there again.